Good morning! Today is the day I was going to start to fix myself. Last week I looked into counseling, I called tri county mental health. They told  me they’d get back to me, which they did. You are able to go in on a first come first serve basis Tue., Wed and Thurs, from 10:00 to 12:30. Sounds great right? Two of those days I’m off, but I’m not sure where they are located or how much it costs. Besides today they are calling for a wintery mix, so I’ve  decided to wait and sit home and eat jelly beans while playing video games. I hope no one is judging  my decision to do nothing to fix my life today. (You have my permission to judge the jelly beans as it isn’t even St Patricks Day yet) I have addressed the fact that I need fixing,  which in itself is extremely overwhelming. I’m not sure why anyone would go into counseling as a career, as it seems to me poor people need the most help and due to their inability to function normally don’t have enough money to maintain mental health, which just adds extra pressure and kills the momentum. This brings to mind one of my less than motivating  statements  “I need a job to get a car to get to work to pay for the car!” The cat is doing well. I’m not putting any additional effort into the cat these days, I found its better to have never loved. Another fun saying “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved?” You see where I’m going with these life lessons. I’m going to try this as a new part of myself. Just try and get through a day without incident.

On a happier note I really enjoy the chance to air my grievances with a pretend audience, as this in itself helps to relieve some of the built up pressures I inflict on myself unnecessarily. With always the possibility someone should stumble upon this and find some wisdom or even a good laugh at such contradictory bull crap as so intended.  Besides I believe the Cat grows weary of said bull. and wishes me to stop whining about nonsense and leave him the F alone.

I do suppose if one were to read these ridiculous posts they would wonder why I never mention grandchildren since the title would lead you to believe that’s where I’m going with this. Well my friends that’s a tale for another day. All in a day in the life of Granny Panty 🙁  I’m considering changing the name too “Rut Digger” , “The Super Saboteur” or “Over The Hill and In a Ditch” so many fun names. The list can go on. Do you have any?

Hey haven’t written in awhile. My nieces wedding is coming up in June. Back to my need to loose weight wedding. I feel my life is coming to a cross road. Exciting, scary! Maybe its just my usual March madness, I’m tired of where my life is at. Weight, job, home, family, the universe in general. I feel stuck, victimized, in the same old rut. I’m waiting for a knight in shining are to come and fix me and my life. I just want to feel like those romance novels where some one makes me their world and cares for my happiness and well being. Sure you always have That guy who says and I quote “All I care about is you” As he stares gazing into the screen of a computer while saying it.  This same guy brings home little gifts often, but of course they are for his son or the cat. That’s because I didn’t appreciate the one little gift I received months ago, even though I’ve yet to hear Thank You from the son or the cat. Then there is the man who brings me a gift once a week. Just a thought gift, a candy bar a three to five dollar tip. Add that up, its over a hundred fifty a year not to mention the candy and gifts for every holiday. I really am ungrateful, because I usually give the candy to the guy. Its not that I don’t appreciate but I’m fat and my skin breaks out. Besides he works for the candy factory! A fat girls dream man. Instead of a knight shining armor its shining candy wrappers!!! I also have my Ex. He has a home at the beach. Wow Right! So there you have it, a user, an enabler, or a controller. All of whom I’m sure Love me so much… I’m also thinking of going to CO. My sister is there. She has a trailer on her property no one lives in. Although I never mentioned the thought to her I’ll be there for the wedding so will have to see. I need a change! Then there’s, the house, the cat, the job… you know the things that hold over you keeping you in that rut. So here I am overwhelmed, depressed, broke and March didn’t even get here yet…. What I really need is counseling. I’m not sure how to go about seeking out a counselor. What do you call up and say my life sucks can you help me fix it They think you’re suicidal or something. Let me tell you I beat suicide  ! I took my life and got rid of it and still breath, walk around and are alive. If you can call this alive! I’m determined. I cleansed my home with white sage. I will now cleanse myself with self help. I’m going to throw in a little weight loss for good measure. Self worth you know.

This is for The Guy. As you have told me before you would never say anything bad about me like I say about you. Just saying that says I’m a condescending, judgmental, arrogant bitch. Which by the way gave you food, a home. a life. The very last I had to offer. I mean the very last. I let you bring your son here even though it was against my better judgment. I left my own life and family by emotional suicide. Not fit to be around others let alone children. My stipulation, he needs counseling. You took him two times. I found it hard to be around children so decided NO friends around, he should go to there homes. I’m repeatedly told his friend is coming over. Is this alright. Now here I am on the spot. Just like when the boss at work says we’re gonna keep you cause so and so didn’t show up again. Is this alright. But the final straw is the tp. Yes I did. I said tp! (almost the last I had to offer) I buy everything for this house. Not my responsibility. When you are out of something you should go to the store two blocks away and purchase it not take mine. That goes for anything. You never see this arrogant selfish  bitch take your things. I get down off my pedestal get in my shit car drive the two blocks and buy what I need. Or live without. I never knew love quite like that before! Where someone would take from me to give to there eighteen year old child who has a job and earns more than me or someone else. My Ex use to discuss things with me yet he still became my ex. Dear Guy you never stood a chance. I must finally be healing from the death of my son because I will not be treated in your manor any more. I will not be made to feel guilty or poorly that I don’t want to share with you or your offspring. I no longer require a Thank You from either one. I immerse a strong woman.  Ready to move forward. I am sorry to loose the good times. In ten years there where some, but like I said in the beginning, I need someone to Love me more than anyone else. Would put me first before all others. Yes. The answer will have to be me. I intend to do what ever I need to do to make myself Happy. The End. Or the beginning. Stay tuned for up dates. I’ll try not to make you wait to long!!! laugh out loud

am: 2 cinnamon whole wheat toast, coffee with fat free  creamer, and raspberry yogurt

I went to church today which is a first in a very long time. It was a special occasion my very good friend was preaching. I’ll tell you it was awesome and inspiring. It reminded me who I was, am, and hope to be. I stopped going to church when my son passed away. It would make me cry. Not that I’m angry with GOD just so very sad. I do often wonder why GOD didn’t save him, but in all fairness I wonder the same about me and my family. Part of me understands we couldn’t make him do anything,(free will) and then there’s the other part. Any way came home enlightened, I’m going to strive to be who GOD intended me to be. I want to be a kind loving person, but first there are some people who I need to deal with that for some reason bring out make the bad in me.

lunch:string cheese

dinner: turkey breast, broccoli, and fresh cranberry sauce with oranges and lots of apples. Very yummy.