Good morning! Today is the day I was going to start to fix myself. Last week I looked into counseling, I called tri county mental health. They told  me they’d get back to me, which they did. You are able to go in on a first come first serve basis Tue., Wed and Thurs, from 10:00 to 12:30. Sounds great right? Two of those days I’m off, but I’m not sure where they are located or how much it costs. Besides today they are calling for a wintery mix, so I’ve  decided to wait and sit home and eat jelly beans while playing video games. I hope no one is judging  my decision to do nothing to fix my life today. (You have my permission to judge the jelly beans as it isn’t even St Patricks Day yet) I have addressed the fact that I need fixing,  which in itself is extremely overwhelming. I’m not sure why anyone would go into counseling as a career, as it seems to me poor people need the most help and due to their inability to function normally don’t have enough money to maintain mental health, which just adds extra pressure and kills the momentum. This brings to mind one of my less than motivating  statements  “I need a job to get a car to get to work to pay for the car!” The cat is doing well. I’m not putting any additional effort into the cat these days, I found its better to have never loved. Another fun saying “Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved?” You see where I’m going with these life lessons. I’m going to try this as a new part of myself. Just try and get through a day without incident.

On a happier note I really enjoy the chance to air my grievances with a pretend audience, as this in itself helps to relieve some of the built up pressures I inflict on myself unnecessarily. With always the possibility someone should stumble upon this and find some wisdom or even a good laugh at such contradictory bull crap as so intended.  Besides I believe the Cat grows weary of said bull. and wishes me to stop whining about nonsense and leave him the F alone.

I do suppose if one were to read these ridiculous posts they would wonder why I never mention grandchildren since the title would lead you to believe that’s where I’m going with this. Well my friends that’s a tale for another day. All in a day in the life of Granny Panty 🙁  I’m considering changing the name too “Rut Digger” , “The Super Saboteur” or “Over The Hill and In a Ditch” so many fun names. The list can go on. Do you have any?

Hey haven’t written in awhile. My nieces wedding is coming up in June. Back to my need to loose weight wedding. I feel my life is coming to a cross road. Exciting, scary! Maybe its just my usual March madness, I’m tired of where my life is at. Weight, job, home, family, the universe in general. I feel stuck, victimized, in the same old rut. I’m waiting for a knight in shining are to come and fix me and my life. I just want to feel like those romance novels where some one makes me their world and cares for my happiness and well being. Sure you always have That guy who says and I quote “All I care about is you” As he stares gazing into the screen of a computer while saying it.  This same guy brings home little gifts often, but of course they are for his son or the cat. That’s because I didn’t appreciate the one little gift I received months ago, even though I’ve yet to hear Thank You from the son or the cat. Then there is the man who brings me a gift once a week. Just a thought gift, a candy bar a three to five dollar tip. Add that up, its over a hundred fifty a year not to mention the candy and gifts for every holiday. I really am ungrateful, because I usually give the candy to the guy. Its not that I don’t appreciate but I’m fat and my skin breaks out. Besides he works for the candy factory! A fat girls dream man. Instead of a knight shining armor its shining candy wrappers!!! I also have my Ex. He has a home at the beach. Wow Right! So there you have it, a user, an enabler, or a controller. All of whom I’m sure Love me so much… I’m also thinking of going to CO. My sister is there. She has a trailer on her property no one lives in. Although I never mentioned the thought to her I’ll be there for the wedding so will have to see. I need a change! Then there’s, the house, the cat, the job… you know the things that hold over you keeping you in that rut. So here I am overwhelmed, depressed, broke and March didn’t even get here yet…. What I really need is counseling. I’m not sure how to go about seeking out a counselor. What do you call up and say my life sucks can you help me fix it They think you’re suicidal or something. Let me tell you I beat suicide  ! I took my life and got rid of it and still breath, walk around and are alive. If you can call this alive! I’m determined. I cleansed my home with white sage. I will now cleanse myself with self help. I’m going to throw in a little weight loss for good measure. Self worth you know.

This is for The Guy. As you have told me before you would never say anything bad about me like I say about you. Just saying that says I’m a condescending, judgmental, arrogant bitch. Which by the way gave you food, a home. a life. The very last I had to offer. I mean the very last. I let you bring your son here even though it was against my better judgment. I left my own life and family by emotional suicide. Not fit to be around others let alone children. My stipulation, he needs counseling. You took him two times. I found it hard to be around children so decided NO friends around, he should go to there homes. I’m repeatedly told his friend is coming over. Is this alright. Now here I am on the spot. Just like when the boss at work says we’re gonna keep you cause so and so didn’t show up again. Is this alright. But the final straw is the tp. Yes I did. I said tp! (almost the last I had to offer) I buy everything for this house. Not my responsibility. When you are out of something you should go to the store two blocks away and purchase it not take mine. That goes for anything. You never see this arrogant selfish  bitch take your things. I get down off my pedestal get in my shit car drive the two blocks and buy what I need. Or live without. I never knew love quite like that before! Where someone would take from me to give to there eighteen year old child who has a job and earns more than me or someone else. My Ex use to discuss things with me yet he still became my ex. Dear Guy you never stood a chance. I must finally be healing from the death of my son because I will not be treated in your manor any more. I will not be made to feel guilty or poorly that I don’t want to share with you or your offspring. I no longer require a Thank You from either one. I immerse a strong woman.  Ready to move forward. I am sorry to loose the good times. In ten years there where some, but like I said in the beginning, I need someone to Love me more than anyone else. Would put me first before all others. Yes. The answer will have to be me. I intend to do what ever I need to do to make myself Happy. The End. Or the beginning. Stay tuned for up dates. I’ll try not to make you wait to long!!! laugh out loud

am: 2 cinnamon whole wheat toast, coffee with fat free  creamer, and raspberry yogurt

I went to church today which is a first in a very long time. It was a special occasion my very good friend was preaching. I’ll tell you it was awesome and inspiring. It reminded me who I was, am, and hope to be. I stopped going to church when my son passed away. It would make me cry. Not that I’m angry with GOD just so very sad. I do often wonder why GOD didn’t save him, but in all fairness I wonder the same about me and my family. Part of me understands we couldn’t make him do anything,(free will) and then there’s the other part. Any way came home enlightened, I’m going to strive to be who GOD intended me to be. I want to be a kind loving person, but first there are some people who I need to deal with that for some reason bring out make the bad in me.

lunch:string cheese

dinner: turkey breast, broccoli, and fresh cranberry sauce with oranges and lots of apples. Very yummy.

am: oatmeal, coffee with fat free creamer

lunch: water and string cheese

dinner:3 bowls cabbage soup, grapes

snack: I found a thin crust frozen pizza which only has 290 calories a serving, Which was 2 small pieces. It was excellent! I was going to save it for Sat, movie (Or as most people call Sat, Date Night. I can’t even remember anyone taking me on a date in a very longgggg time) But tonight is a holiday, Friday The 13th so ate pizza, drank an ice coffee with fat free creamer, and had a smoothie with banana, crushed pineapple, raspberry yogurt, and Greek yogurt, and watched: you got it original “Friday The 13th” I never saw it and was surprised with the ending!

I also forgot to mention most days I ride my exercise bike and most nights I go walking. Its been 13 days on my diet and I really haven’t lost very much weight. I have felt very good and maybe in the best shape I’ve been in awhile 🙂

am: oatmeal with blueberries, apples and cinnamon, coffee with fat free creamer

lunch: water, string cheese

dinner: 2 bowls of soup, grapes, string cheese, coffee with fat free creamer

snack: can of tuna with celery and mayo on thin wheat toast, coffee, smoothie with raspberry yogurt, banana, and crushed pineapple

movie: Cabin in the Woods

am: I woke up to the downstairs bathroom door open and toilet paper off the role. Good morning Mommy!

last night: We already saw” Wolf Creak” so we decided to watch the next movie on the list which was “Kill List.”  I give it a thumbs down. I fell asleep and didn’t even finish watching it. I probably just needed the rest. Big plans for today! Decorating for Halloween and walking in the woods enjoying the Fall Foliage. I’m not even going to feel bad leaving the little spawn of Evil home alone. (Well maybe I’ll feel a little bad)

water, oatmeal with apples, blueberries and skim milk, coffee with fat free creamer.

lunch: Started with string cheese and grapes

Went walking  at  Merli  Sarnoski  Park. Great hike found 2 Geo at the park and one on the way. Stopped on the way home at Dunkin Donuts and treated myself to a 360 calorie pumpkin doughnut and a large iced caramel and cream ice coffee 340 calories. Actually found it was delicious  and I didn’t miss not having added sugar. Better skip the smoothie during the movie tonight,

dinner: one bowl of soup, string cheese

Rant: We were looking for The Mans wallet, so I went out to check his car for him and to my surprise there were at  least nine fast food bags crumpled up under the seat. Why would you hide food bags under the seat in your car? One, you don’t want anyone to see them, two I can’t think of a two. The only reasonable explanation is you don’t want them seen. Now the next question is from whom? You remember that I was looking for a misplaced wallet. (Which by the way the wallet was left  on the console, very irresponsible) The only people who ride in the car are the man child and me. The next question would be why? I asked that question when I returned with the wallet. His answer was they were there a long time, Food that doesn’t spoil! It didn’t smell. Now the next question one might ask is why do I care. Here goes that rant I spoke of: Well I buy almost all the groceries, snacks, drinks, and prepare the meals for the three of us. I share 99% of every thing I buy except my work drinks. The man child buys himself multiple goodies, drinks, and maybe once in two years offered me something icky his mom gave him. Then he brings down the garbage from said items and places it on the counter for me to dispose of. Did I mention he is 18 and not a kid!( At his age I was already expecting a baby. I spent my entire life caring for others, I just want someone to care for me for a change. ) You may think they are sparing me by sneaking and eating this things but my friend don’t be naive, the diet just started! Sure if I ask The Man, he will offer to go get me something and pay for it. If I ask. I never ask and won’t ask. I hate to ask. But my friends the point really is the sneaking!!!! If you aren’t doing anything wrong why sneak. Why not say I was hungry and stopped for a burger. You don’t need to make dinner for me. I’m good. Maybe I would like to treat myself once in a while. (Which is exactly what I’m starting to do with my Diet.  Feel good about me. Take care of my own needs. Like you take care of yours!!!)                                                                                                                                   They both openly go in my refrigerator and take what they want. I have even seen them offer things I bought. Sure The Man  gives me money for  bills. Apartments are not cheap. There is an apartment for rent around the corner, 2 bedroom for $650. I’m not sure what’s included but I’m pretty sure food isn’t. If you start complaining you get hurt looks and even more sneaking around. It period just makes matters worse.  If people would slink around with small things I’m afraid to see what happens with major things. They forget to turn out lights. forget to lock doors, leave garbage around. leave doors open! All of these above are pissing me off and driving me crazy. The mans chores include washing dishes, watering, taking out garbage (which I have to remind him of EVERY week.) He does fix somethings with cement. The man child works and makes more money an hour than I do, his chores are keep your room clean. (holy  shit at his age I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and still found time to get knocked up. The difference being I Loved my mother with my whole heart and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I never liked watching her work so hard so I tried my best to help carry the home work load. That’s what you do when you love someone with your whole heart. Get it! I’m not going to say I was perfect I was a screwed up alcoholic little bitch. It took me a long time to straighten out myself and my life and I do not intend to be used and taken advantage of by useless men. See guys, (Not all Guys either! I have known some awesome men) I know how to love and be loved. You can say you love me but it is entirely true: Actions speak louder than words!!!!! You may try for a while but that doesn’t really cut it. I know the difference between spontaneous from love and forced, or pretense actions . Now has become the past and you can’t go back. God knows if you could I wouldn’t pick these back.

am: water, oatmeal with apples, blueberries and fat free milk, coffee with fat free creamer

lunch: water and string cheese

dinner: 3 bowls of cabbage soup which I added chicken to.  It doesn’t have very much flavor so I added more garlic powder, turmeric, chili powder and a little fresh parsley. It helped some what but still needs more help before you can call it tasty, I bet you’re wondering why I ate so much if it wasn’t good and I’ll tell you why. I AM STARVING  So dramatic, right, I also had an ice coffee and a water.

It was a  rainy Columbus Day so we were busy at work. Which suited me just fine. Its been slow and I can really use the money. Shawn’s wedding and my sister coming to visit, I’m taking a week off. I can’t wait! Tonight’s movie is “Wolf Creek” I’ll probably make smoothies with bananas and pineapple. Yummy, The movie “May” last night was pretty good, odd but good. I’m giving it a thumbs up. I’m off tomorrow and might just treat myself to a goody, We’ll see.

My weight a shameful 150lbs.

Good morning. My day off and its going to rain all day. I had planned to work in the yard and decorate for Halloween. I’m not going to let that get me down besides needing rain my sister is coming in for the wedding and I will get the guest room ready just in case she stays here. I’m sure I will get lots of help Chessey is already waiting! He helped with breakfast and the dishes. Then he managed to get poop on his paw so we had to stop progress to clean it, now he is angry with me. Way to go Mom!

am: water, oatmeal with blue berries, apples, cinnamon, and 1% milk, coffee with fat free creamer

It stopped raining.

Working hard in the yard!

lunch salad with thousand island dressing and grapes

dinner: cabbage vegetable soup with a tuna sandwich ice coffee with fat free creamer

Tonight’s movie is May

Good morning. Here we go day 7. although I would hope to be skinnier, at least I feel good and didn’t add to my weight.  I’ve walked , starved, rode my exercise bike and guess what? No miracles here. This is serious work, Not for the faint of hearted, The rest of the servers are not doing well either. They speak of headaches, inability to focus,  hunger, and irritable moods. Food does all these things to us. Our bodies turn into spoiled children punishing us with physical symptoms until we give in.  Note worthy mention the other servers on the diet are the same ones who went on the Advocare diet, Sherry, Amber, and now added Ambers man Ian, Doesn’t say much for Advocare long time results,

am; water, coffee with fat free creamer, and chicken sandwich on whole wheat with salsa

lunch: water, it was an alright Sat at work started slow but got a little lunch push.

pm: I picked up a small Wendy’s chili on my way home from work. Made a salad with it and I at the left over pepper filling, handful of grapes, coffee with fat free creamer,

Closed the pool for the season and then had an ice coffee.

snack: smoothie made with blue berries, Dannon fruit on the bottom yogurt, yogurt drink, ice, and 2 % milk. Watched 28 weeks. So far my favorite recent Halloween pick!

am chicken on whole wheat with salsa, water and small coffee with fat free creamer

lunch: water Work was pretty good today. I’m not sure if its because Amy called off or if we we’re actually busy.

dinner: I tried something new stuffed peppers made with peppers, my home grown tomatoes, ground turkey, onion, minutemaid rice medley, spices, a small can of sauce, and just a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. It was actually delicious! Ice coffee with fat free creamer and water. Then off for a 2 mile walk. I wanted to go further but I had to pee, On a good note made it back in record time,  Note to self don’t drink so much before a walk! Handful of grapes on returning from my walk.

snack: ever so small slice of leftover B day cake, ice coffee with fat free creamer and water while watching tonight’s movie Leatherface. It was ok but I fell asleep at the end, I chalk that up to it didn’t keep my interest or sugar low.